I'm Not Sure How I am Feeling
I'm not angry or mad. Am I sad? No, livid - maybe, disappointed, outdone perhaps, or maybe just a little peeved, I guess.
After my mother's death 10 years ago, I have been more or less tip towing around my dad and pretty much anyone I love because I'm afraid if I say anything wrong to them, tell them "no" about anything or basically let them know when they have upset me, that they may die before I have a chance to make things right and I would feel guilty.
A few years after my mom died, my dad re-married. Even though I was in my fifties, I didn't take to the person he married, and most of our family felt the same way. It seemed as though she was unfriendly and just different. I might even say that there have been red flags. She is a lady Evangelist and seems to be a devout Christian. The reason I feel sort of funny about her is because my dad has always and still tells me things that made me feel that way, before and after the marriage. I will not elaborate on it, but there are several things going on in their marriage that makes me uneasy. Like I said before, my uneasy feelings are a result of things my dad has said, especially when he needs to vent. Usually, I'll just say, he puts me in the middle of their situations.
There was a situation just yesterday that involving my dad where he again put me in the middle, and apparently I either said something or my body language relayed my disapproval. Even though their affairs are none of my business, because I love my dad, I just want him to be happy and not taken advantage of; therefore, when he takes me into confidence and tells me something that he's perhaps unhappy about, I will make negative comments, and complain about her. I do; however, treat her nice when I am around her so she would have no idea that he's been talking to me.
Yesterday I picked him up from church and took him home. That's when the conversation came up. Later that evening, he called and told me not to say anything about what we talked about, which he always does after one of his venting sessions. He tole me I act as though I don't accept her, but my brother does, and I am causing problems and I need to give her a chance. I was frustrated because I think I told him that the reason I feel the way I feel is because of what he tells me. In my opinion, it is him causing the problem by venting to me and expecting me to ignore what he is telling me. I am no doubt wrong because I allow him to do so, but I just want him to feel he can talk to me when he needs to. I then told him that I don't want him telling me anything else about them and he agreed. I need to know if I am in fact causing a problem. Need some advice
After my mother's death 10 years ago, I have been more or less tip towing around my dad and pretty much anyone I love because I'm afraid if I say anything wrong to them, tell them "no" about anything or basically let them know when they have upset me, that they may die before I have a chance to make things right and I would feel guilty.
A few years after my mom died, my dad re-married. Even though I was in my fifties, I didn't take to the person he married, and most of our family felt the same way. It seemed as though she was unfriendly and just different. I might even say that there have been red flags. She is a lady Evangelist and seems to be a devout Christian. The reason I feel sort of funny about her is because my dad has always and still tells me things that made me feel that way, before and after the marriage. I will not elaborate on it, but there are several things going on in their marriage that makes me uneasy. Like I said before, my uneasy feelings are a result of things my dad has said, especially when he needs to vent. Usually, I'll just say, he puts me in the middle of their situations.
There was a situation just yesterday that involving my dad where he again put me in the middle, and apparently I either said something or my body language relayed my disapproval. Even though their affairs are none of my business, because I love my dad, I just want him to be happy and not taken advantage of; therefore, when he takes me into confidence and tells me something that he's perhaps unhappy about, I will make negative comments, and complain about her. I do; however, treat her nice when I am around her so she would have no idea that he's been talking to me.
Yesterday I picked him up from church and took him home. That's when the conversation came up. Later that evening, he called and told me not to say anything about what we talked about, which he always does after one of his venting sessions. He tole me I act as though I don't accept her, but my brother does, and I am causing problems and I need to give her a chance. I was frustrated because I think I told him that the reason I feel the way I feel is because of what he tells me. In my opinion, it is him causing the problem by venting to me and expecting me to ignore what he is telling me. I am no doubt wrong because I allow him to do so, but I just want him to feel he can talk to me when he needs to. I then told him that I don't want him telling me anything else about them and he agreed. I need to know if I am in fact causing a problem. Need some advice
posted by The Gig at 3:02 PM
5 Comments:
I think you need to own up to, and be honest with your feelings. If he asks again, tell him the truth. "Sorry, I don't care for her, but I'm being cordial for your benefit." Nothing wrong with that, that's how you feel. That's what I'mma tell him if he ever asks me. "Sorry, I don't like your crooked wig wearing wife, though I love you." You have a right to feel however you feel. G -- and I love him too -- is very manipulative. He knows how you are about guilt, and he uses it to control you.
No advice here because I am in a similar situation. I wonder if we really do forget about all this friction when we are in heaven.
Buck, I would rather not dislike her because that's not what God would expect from me. I guess I can say that I wish he had taken his time in choosing a wife, perhaps someone more loving and open with family. I guess that's what I'm trying to say -- actually, I don't know what I'm trying to say.
Thanks for the comment, Cho Cho, I didn't realize you had a similar situation. I guess you kind of understand where I'm comming from.
Listen to brotha Buck on this one. Your father is the one putting you in the middle. You couldn't say anything if he didn't confide in you. The problem is when folks tells you negative things about their better half, yet planned to stay it set the stage for problems. Letting him know that you no longer want to hear problems between them but if he needs to leave and don't know how let me know. In the meantime you check out things on a regular for your self to make sure he is not being taken advantage of.
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