"Living With Guilt"

Guilt -- it can eat you alive! Today was "G's" funeral as he was cremated just after his death and we have been waiting for his family to arrive from out of town. It was a wonderful service. I sat there and listened to the music, comments, and just took in the whole service. All of a sudden my eyes were fixed on a small porcelin type square container. I knew right away that his ashes were in there. It gave me a feeling of sadness because knowing that was what was left of him.

I have been in my own way mourning him. He was my cousin and someone I really cared about. No matter how he lived his life, he always made me laugh and everyone else he came in contact with.

The guilt I'm feeling today is the fact that after being in a nursing home for about a year or more, he finally got out and was renting a cute little house. He came by one day to visit me and told me where he lived and asked me to come by some time. I said I would. He came by again some time later and visited with me but since I was on my way (I think to church), I couldn't visit with him very long. The last time he called me, he was inebriated and I can hardly remember our conversation, but I do remember him mentioning to me to drop by and again I said I would. In my travels about town, to and from work, out to the lake to walk, to the store and other places, I did intend to go by and visit, but I never made it. In my mind now I wondered if he was lonely and just needed someone to talk to. I keep thinking that perhaps if I had gone over there a few times, maybe he wouldn't have been drinking and maybe I could have made a difference. I know that God will relieve me of this guilt some time soon, but in the mean time, I keep think of him and tearing up. Please pray for me.