"The ULTIMATE Can of Worms"
First of all, this blog is not intended to offend anyone. I have been contemplating writing this post for quite a while. Please forgive me if I do in fact offend you. I truly love everyone but I just needed to get this out.
"How It Feels to me to be a Black woman"
This is not a self-pity, or a “woe is me” type post, but it is the truth as I see it. I am definitely not ashamed to be a Black woman, in fact, I’m rather proud of who I am, but I wonder if our men are ashamed of us as Black women. It seems as though they have turned their backs on us, as though we don’t exist. As an excerpt from a familiar quote type from back in the day says: “if you’re black, stay back.”
I live in a town where, honestly, it’s rare to see a Black man with a Black woman. Almost every man of color is now married to or involved with a Caucasian woman. I am not prejudiced by a long shot. I accept people for who they are, not their nationality. I just get bogged down with the fact that most of the women of color I know and meet are single. It seems to me that they don’t have a chance for marriage or love because the men are claiming there are no good black women around, they don’t want them because they already have babies or are on drugs, etc. Who are their babies by? Black men who apparently enjoy the sex but don’t want to marry their “babie momma” as they call them. They then parade up and down the streets, in the malls, parks, everywhere you go with their white wives and bi-racial children.
I work at a non-profit agency where almost every black man who works there is either married to or has a Caucasian woman as a significant other and vice versa. I find myself looking at our Caucasian counterparts and wondering what do they have that we don’t have? (For one thing, our men). They are fair in color, have long silky hair and produce beautiful babies. I know from experience that black men want babies with fair complexions and what is referred to as “good hair.” Black men also use the excuse that the women of color are too “hard” on them and we don’t do for them like the other women do, as they buy them anything they want and will put up with their bull____. That is not altogether true as there are strong women in both races that will not put up with the bull.
I have heard people talk about, make fun of or joke about black women and their weaves. Yes, most of our women have to purchase hair if they want long dangling hair, pony tails, etc. I have often wondered why it’s hard for us to grow hair. I watch other women as they walk down the street or run in the park with their pony tails flopping from side to side, and if we just happened to buy one or get it weaved on, it may flop from side to side too.
This is only part of what I wanted to write about but it’s getting to be too long and trying to be a cautious as possible not to offend anyone. I do, however, want all of you to know that this is definitely hot a hate blog, I just wanted to get some of my frustration out. It must be equally as frustrating to some Caucasian men to witness the same thing. Maybe it doesn’t matter to them because there are enough women to go around and then some. I would just like to see things even out. I lost my husband to a Caucasian woman, and a fiancé.
I don't exactly know if it's okay to question the LORD, but have often thought why things have to be as they are racially. Even though there is a lot of love for the LORD and for all people in my heart -- I have to confess that this is not exactly the happiest person in the world but I can say this -- I am blessed to be in this mess, it could be a lot worse. Everyone feels that they have their own situation and as bad as it may be -- it could be a lot worse, so I thank God for continuing to be in my life. To any black man who may read this -- I am not trying to stereo-type anyone, I'm just venting my frustrations on the way it is here where I live, I realize there are exceptions to all situations. Just as I realize there are black women everywhere who are happily married. God Bless and I hope I still have friends after you read this post.
"How It Feels to me to be a Black woman"
This is not a self-pity, or a “woe is me” type post, but it is the truth as I see it. I am definitely not ashamed to be a Black woman, in fact, I’m rather proud of who I am, but I wonder if our men are ashamed of us as Black women. It seems as though they have turned their backs on us, as though we don’t exist. As an excerpt from a familiar quote type from back in the day says: “if you’re black, stay back.”
I live in a town where, honestly, it’s rare to see a Black man with a Black woman. Almost every man of color is now married to or involved with a Caucasian woman. I am not prejudiced by a long shot. I accept people for who they are, not their nationality. I just get bogged down with the fact that most of the women of color I know and meet are single. It seems to me that they don’t have a chance for marriage or love because the men are claiming there are no good black women around, they don’t want them because they already have babies or are on drugs, etc. Who are their babies by? Black men who apparently enjoy the sex but don’t want to marry their “babie momma” as they call them. They then parade up and down the streets, in the malls, parks, everywhere you go with their white wives and bi-racial children.
I work at a non-profit agency where almost every black man who works there is either married to or has a Caucasian woman as a significant other and vice versa. I find myself looking at our Caucasian counterparts and wondering what do they have that we don’t have? (For one thing, our men). They are fair in color, have long silky hair and produce beautiful babies. I know from experience that black men want babies with fair complexions and what is referred to as “good hair.” Black men also use the excuse that the women of color are too “hard” on them and we don’t do for them like the other women do, as they buy them anything they want and will put up with their bull____. That is not altogether true as there are strong women in both races that will not put up with the bull.
I have heard people talk about, make fun of or joke about black women and their weaves. Yes, most of our women have to purchase hair if they want long dangling hair, pony tails, etc. I have often wondered why it’s hard for us to grow hair. I watch other women as they walk down the street or run in the park with their pony tails flopping from side to side, and if we just happened to buy one or get it weaved on, it may flop from side to side too.
This is only part of what I wanted to write about but it’s getting to be too long and trying to be a cautious as possible not to offend anyone. I do, however, want all of you to know that this is definitely hot a hate blog, I just wanted to get some of my frustration out. It must be equally as frustrating to some Caucasian men to witness the same thing. Maybe it doesn’t matter to them because there are enough women to go around and then some. I would just like to see things even out. I lost my husband to a Caucasian woman, and a fiancé.
I don't exactly know if it's okay to question the LORD, but have often thought why things have to be as they are racially. Even though there is a lot of love for the LORD and for all people in my heart -- I have to confess that this is not exactly the happiest person in the world but I can say this -- I am blessed to be in this mess, it could be a lot worse. Everyone feels that they have their own situation and as bad as it may be -- it could be a lot worse, so I thank God for continuing to be in my life. To any black man who may read this -- I am not trying to stereo-type anyone, I'm just venting my frustrations on the way it is here where I live, I realize there are exceptions to all situations. Just as I realize there are black women everywhere who are happily married. God Bless and I hope I still have friends after you read this post.
posted by The Gig at 12:40 PM
14 Comments:
Your problem is that you need to get out of Iowa. Theres plenty of single men of all races here in Austin. I think the reasons are many and the subject is very complex. For one thing, Des Moines has a very small community of blacks, and a very large community of whites. If a black guy wants a good woman, the pickin's in the white population are greater in numbers. And the few black women are angry, with a lot of baggage. Not what anybody is interested in. Black men die younger, go to prison more often, go to college less, and the ones who aren't crazy, starting fights with the police, want anything but a black woman. You need to come to Texas and get yourself a good spanish-speaking, fresh over the border Mexican man. *cheese*
You are a beautiful woman and you deserve a good person. But I honestly don't think you will find it in Des Moines. Some of my comments, I say in jest, but sadly, some of them are just plain true.
And I'm glad you arent one of those fake hair weave wearing women. I never, NEVER understand why so many of our women weave in that fake hair, and frown at people who, like my wife, wear their hair naturally. Like fake synthetic is natural. Our peeplez just been driven crazy, ain't you figured that out?
I should have known that Devas would "tell me like it T I S." If I were to move to Austin, do you think a Hispanic man would even pay any attention to me? They don't here. What makes them different there? I have no problem with race because as you know I thought I had something going with what seemed to be a very nice caucasian man last year but he ended up disappointing me after giving me serious mixed messages.
Devas, as you know your brother is married to a caucasian woman and I really love her.
I really don't see anything wrong with weaves as long as they look neat, and most of them look to be real. Our women look absolutely beautiful in them. Unfortunately a lot of our women cannot get our hair to do what we would like, plus their hair does not grow long so they can wear the kind of styles they want. And remember, we cannot just wash our hair and fluff it out and just go on our way. Does it sound as though I'm whinning -- I'm not actually this is an attempt to justify why women wear weaves.
WOW GIG, I don't understand people either really. But the thing is do we really have a choice in who we fall in love with. I mean this may sound weird but when I saw Lauren's picture the first time I just knew she was the one I had been praying for. My wife left me for a homeless guy after telling me I didn't make enough money for her needs. Now she is living on welfare with a homeless guy, is that not a slap in the face. Well my point being Devas is right there is someone out there for you, someone to accent your wonderful personality. You will find that wonderful person you deserve. And as far as the hair thing don't let these white girls fool you they spend so much money trying to change there hair it don't matter. Women will never be satisfied with there hair I believe anyway. With your personality and love for God, and the fact that you look darn good for your age you will find that person. Devas is right Woman look so much better when they leave there hair natural. So stand up and give yourself a little respect you are a great person. And God will hook you up with the perfect man.
I received this as a part of a religious e-mail from a friend of mine. It was right on time.
It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be
sure to flush when you are done.
*sighs* This really makes me so sad.
You see, I don't see people for their skin color. I see them for who they are. If you're a good person and you love others, it doesn't matter whether you skin is black, brown, white, peachy, yellow, purple or blue. I don't care.
Mz. Gig, you are beautiful and you have such a good spirit. You certainly have not made an enemy of me, because I have always appreciated your opinions and your thoughts.
It's just a shame that you had to go through what you went through. *HUGS* Don't loose faith. Those who talk about why they left their "black" wives for a "white girl"...well, their just trying to cause trouble. Don't pay any attention to it.
Every color of person has their good and their bad types.
I just wish that God could help these people see the light when it comes to prejudice and bigotry. Honest, if we could just see each other with our hearts and not our eyes, things would be so much better.
AND...Mz. Gig...you are entitled to sit on your pity potty. Heck, I just did it on my blog for myself. *HUGS* It was a cute comment though!! I'm putting that one on my wall! hehehe
I was thinking of one other thing. Maybe this shouldn't be public, but you done went and gone public, so here it goes:
I've known you for a long time...like 41 years. I've known you married. I've known you divorced, single while NOT dating and I've known you single AND dating.
Although the grass always looks greener on the other side, in your case, the grass looks greener with a man. You seem happiest , most content, most complete, most spiritual, and most self respecting/loving in your situation right now. Single with no man.
It appears to me that romantic relationships for you, have only brought you unhappiness and compromised all of the above positive qualities.
Actually,Devas, you are pretty much right. I was mostly spouting off for a good many of the other black women who are existing without love. You know I tend to think about others as well as I do myself probably even more than myself (not boasting at all).
It would be nice just to mainly have a male friend to go places with and share some of the activities I enjoy. I have heard several people mention that they have platonic male friends. That would be a miracle from God if I could be blessed with such. I've always been told that if a man knows you're not planning to "put out" they want nothing to do with you and as far as I'm concerned, it seems to be true.
I hear ya Gig, and I am glad you posted these thoughts.
I think of the recent high school graduate who looked out her fascinated by the new black guy in the neighborhood, and immediately wondered how old he was, because she wasnt close enough to see him well enough to tell. (this was back in Montana when I was on vacation). There are several white women who are attracted exclusively to black men or minority men. It doesn't bother me when white women are attracted to men of one race, but it seems a little racist when people are attracted to one race.
Quite honestly, I find women of all races and sizes attractive. I also find women all all races and sizes unattractive at times. Depends on the woman.
I think this happens for a variety of reasons that are very complex. I think especially in places like Montana and Iowa, because white women find black men exotic and different--and vise versa.
My question is, why does it generally only work one way? Why aren't you more open to men of other races? And other African-American women? Why are most interracial marriages I see between blacks and whites a black man with a white woman?
Maybe it has to do with the one racial stereotype, about a certain part of the male anatomy, that no black man I have met ever denies.
But in the end, I think all of this has a lot to do with socialization that is much deeper seeded and harder to explain.
Wow Gig, I am here to tell you, not all men wanna get with it. IF you know what I mean there. I in fact am determined that I will not compromise this time. God's will is far to important. The right person. Will love you without that. So just be in prayer about it and I will do the same for you. love ya Chris
Clint, I can relate to what you are saying. I would like to see more black women with white men or men of other races. I would have no problem having a person of another race if he would have me. Actually that's what I was saying, I would like to see it more evened out so that black women can have love and feel wanted to.
Thanks to all of you for your comments and support. It has really helped and enlightened me. God bless all of you. Love you all
Ms Gig, thank you for the kind words on my blog. And believe me I am paying attention. I know I have to forgive him. Thank goodness my mother has never talked badly about him, becuase that would make it harder. I just know what types of things he has done and it hurts really bad. But hate only consumes...I know. I can not lie to you and tell you that I will forgive him. But I will let you know that I will pray on it. Hopefully something will break thru for me. Thank you for your kind words...they are appreciated.
Now, your blog, is your blog, and it is here for you to speak your mind. Do you!!! :)
As a person living in the DMI, I do not think you can ignore it. My cousin just married a Mexican last weekend. Why? I asked. Because the men she has met are either in jail, from jail, abusive, not willing to work - those are the men SHE has met. I have a good one and there are good ones out there. Just the way the cookie crumbles.
As for the black and white relationships we see everyday. I do not understand becuase a lot of the time the couples have nothing in common and they do not fully understand the things that come with black families. The way you speak or treat your mother for instance. My cousin married a white man and he had to learn that even though we are grown we are not allowed to talk to our mothers, elders any way we want to. AND we still have to say yes Mam. My mom earned that right. Shoot! But of course when thier relationship went south he went straight for the N* word. I don't understand. Love should conquer all.
AND I am getting microbraids on sunday...not my hair but human hair. My hair is longer. I am just doing it for the convience. I have been working long hours and the maintenance for my hair is not cute. I don't want to wear (my hair) in a pony tail everyday. So I am getting braids. Is that wrong?
tj
This is a very interesting post, Ms. Gig. I've heard this view many times from women that I work with and from my ex husband's wife. I am caucasian & my ex husband is black. He's the only black man I've ever dated and is the father of our three children. When we met, became friends & started dating, we met opposition from all sides... my family, his family, society.
I sometimes wonder if life might have been easier if I'd chosen to marry a white man and if I did my children a disservice by bringing them into a world that judges by skin color instead of by who the person is on the inside. What I choose to do to change my small corner of the world is to teach my children that we are ALL God's children & that race doesn't really matter as much as people think it does.
I've enjoyed reading your blog so far & will be reading more in the future.
Wow that was a very interesting post. I really liked the pathos. It wasn't bitter, but I remember when we were living in Omaha, NE, we would walk through Westroads and all we would see were interracial couples. She would always say who is my daughter going to date (our baby was only 3 or 4)
But you make a very interesting point that should be noted. These young women are marching around with babies but no husbands, As a black man I would not necessarily be open to marrying a woman with children by another man, so once again I would suggest that young women wait, or if they can't wait, wrap that thing up.
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