"Deep Thoughts"

Early this morning I woke up and could not get back to sleep. What was in my thoughts? I was thinking about my cousin, "G" who died last Monday and how I found out yesterday he had already been cremated. My thoughts were on last Monday when I was at Hospice the night before he died. I guess you might say that I am livid because one day he is a living soul with a body and mind. I was able to talk to him and he was able to think and feel. I could look upon his face and see expressions, even though he was dying and it was absolutely horrible to see him that way, it was him in the flesh. Three days later, he is just ashes. I keep thinking about how one day you are living your life in your body and three days later you could be ashes, as though you never existed at all. I remember talking to him, kissing him on the forehead, brushing his hair back as I tried to say everything I wanted to say to him before he would pass away and I just cannot get over the fact that he's not him anymore.

I know this does not make much sense but to me, this is deep thinking. I have never experienced anything like I did last Monday. However, while I am typing, the Lord is helping me to understand because he brought to my mind that if he had never been cremated, "G" would still not exist anymore and would still not be a living being, but I guess the reality of my thinking is that at least there would be a body to prove that he was once here. I know that this is morbid, and probably doesn't make much sense but I just needed to vent and what better way to do it then on the blog, that way you could share your thoughts without bothering someone else that needs their sleep. I know that God will bring me through this like he does everything else and I must listen to my thoughts from Him.

Now I think about his siblings and how they were all at odds with each other and yet, now they have to come and bid him farewell without being able to make amends. How terrible that must be to be at odds with someone, never be reconciled and next thing you know they are gone. I can imagine how his four siblings must feel. There is one sister and you can say she's the backbone of the siblings. My cousin was angry with her for something she didn't do and she is the only one who was not at odds with any of her siblings. She is a believer and has Christ in her life. People cannot take God for granted; life is too short that is why while you still have a chance you should make peace with those you are at odds with, especially if are family. I must learn to listen to God and not trust my own thinking. Thanks for putting up with my morbid venting.

"A Very Sad Time"

I spent most of last weekend at the hospital with my dad and he got out on Sunday (6-25-06). The next day (6-26-06)after returning from work and spending some time just at the house watching one of my favorite sitcoms, "Friends" I received a call from one of my cousins telling me that his brother had been in the hospital and they were transferring him to Hospice and that he wasn't going to make it this time. This cousin drank a lot and had gone to the hospital several times. Once he fell down the stairs backward and almost lost his life but he recovered. Later he ended up back in the hospital because of his drinking and as a result, he was court-ordered to a nursing home where he spent pretty much a year. While there, he was not allowed to drink. Whenever I went to visit him I would try to reason with him about his drinking from the standpoint that he had gone a long time without taking a drink so he could go from now on, and when he got out, he should not drink. However, he had to get a lawyer to help him get out of the nursing home. My dad and I visited him several times and he was back to his old habit, telling me he was only drinking beer. In my eyes, alcohol is alcohol whether it comes in beer or whatever. Anyway, a bunch of us all met at Hospice and gathered in his room. He was not coherent but could hear us talk to him. The staff member told us what to expect and to talk to him because he could hear us. He also informed us that this would be our last chance to say whatever we wanted to say to him. We spent the evening talking to him, praying for him, reading scriptures and we also got him to accept Christ as his Savior. At 4:44 a.m. the next morning, he passed away.

"You Said What?"

I returned home from Minnesota last Thursday (6-22-06). My granddaughter is doing well and taking her situation like a real trooper. Pretty much on my arrival at home I got situated and decided to check my phone messages. Among those messages was a fellow congregant telling me that there will be a rehearsal for communion at church on Friday (6-23-06) at 6:30 p.m.

The next day I went to work but had to report to a different office for the day. At 4:00 I left work and went home to get ready for church. I checked my phone messages and there weren't any so I went on to church. When I arrived, the pastor was just ending a Bible lesson and afterwards he began the rehearsal by informing everyone how they will participate in the communion service and then I heard him say a couple of names of people who will not be there. All of a sudden I heard one of our deacons mention my dad's name and said that he had been rushed to the hospital earlier that day and had surgery. I was startled and looked at him, saying, "are you talking about my dad?" He said "yes" and repeated it to me. I had not been aware of the circumstances at all. I asked to be excused and went directly to the hospital where I found my dad and his wife. He said he had tried to get me at work and on my home phone and I told him I was working in another department where I work occasionally and I had not gotten a message on my home phone, plus he has the phone number of both offices.

It was definitely a shock to find out that my dad was not only in the hospital but had undergone surgery. He had a cyst on his hip that had gotten quite large over a couple of days. His pressure went way up and they were having trouble getting it down and because they couldn't stop the bleeding from his surgery earlier that day, he had to go back to surgery and have the bleeding stopped. (Wow, what an ordeal). Thanks to God answering prayer, everything came out fine and after a two day stay at the hospital, he was released today.

My dad will be 86-years-old in July and is a work-a-holic. He has always been a very busy person who has retired four times. He just cannot function unless he is working. The last time he retired which was last year, I think will be the last time; however, he is very active around the house. The doctor has told him to slow down and to not carry heavy things which he wasn't supposed to do anyway, but has never stopped doing. It is my opinion that he will continue to do more than he is supposed to do because he was supposed to be keeping still in the hospital but was wandering around all over and busying himself in spite of our trying to stop him.

"I'm Outta Here"

Tomorrow I am going to Minnesota to help my son and his wife with M while she re-cooperates. She is doing well and was released from the hospital early. I can't wait to see the girls. I will be back on the 22nd.

I have been up all night with insomnia. My son offered to drive me to Minnesota. I guess I'll have to take him up on that. It has become quite pleasant for me on the highway because it seems as though the other drivers are playing a game such as passing each other. I will pass someone, a few minutes, they will pass me and probably another 20 min. There's another car playing the game with me. (I'm sure that I'm the only one playing this game). TA DA!